Gift shopping: I’m doing it right

You…. well I’m not sure how well you’re doing this holiday season. And since I’m in an oh so giving mood (hohoho bitches) here are some tips for gifts for all your friends.

1. The Parents

A baby! This one’s a bit tricky but stick with me. All you have to do is casually walk around the maternity ward of a hospital for a few days, chatting with the nurses about your wife and new baby. You learn all the little nuances of the hospital and one day just walk up and take a baby. I mean what could be a greater gift than the gift of life? And they’re probably at that age where life has lost all meaning and everything so why not give them one last vestige to hold onto in this world? And single moms will definitely appreciate a certain sensational romance novel if they don’t have it already.

2. The Casual Acquaintance

Now your instinct will tell you to get them something safe and cheap – like a funny Happy Holiday card – but ignore all of your instincts and listen to me instead. Now this being your casual acquaintance, they obviously don’t know you very well. Perhaps they’re a buddy from work or your favourite prostitute on 39th street. What you have to do is make sure they know what an amazing person you are. How would you go about this? Simple. Just find out these six simple things: the town they grew up in, their favourite band, the name of their childhood pet, their favourite drink, their mother’s maiden name, and of course their allergies. You can easily hack their email with their mother’s maiden name and invite all their friends to a surprise party where their favorite band will play live music and the theme will homecoming and the cake will be in the shape of their old pet with something to the effect of “Buster will always love you, even after you threw him in the wood chipper” written on it. And voila, you will be the world’s best casual acquaintance. You’re welcome.

3. The Significant Other

Just find some fancy paper and handwrite on it some cheesy love poem you googled up the last minute. I suggest the good ol’ “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I think you’re pretty awesome, and so are your boobs.” It’s always a killer with the ladies. And if they get mad that you didn’t buy a “real present” be sure to throw a huge fit about them so much as suggesting that your love isn’t good enough a present.

4. The Estranged Uncle

Well you don’t know him so well but he’s family so you should send something. A photo of you would be good. You don’t see him much so it’s a good reminder that he should be sending you some Christmas and Birthday money. And a sexy pose never hurts in the getting more money department. Don’t worry girls, it’s not slutty since he’s family after all.

5. The Downer

There’s always that one friend or family member who’s going through some srsbsns type stuff and dragging everyone else down. I mean sure it’s sad and all that your wife is a drunk and you’re being sued by her mistress  for parental rights but do you really have to drag everyone else into your problems? Geez. The perfect gift for these types of people is a one way plane ticket to the Gaza strip. Or if that’s a bit too pricey for you, no worries. Instead you could get them a book like The Emperor of All MaladiesA book about the history of cancer is perfect for teaching the dumb bitch that she’s should really stop complaining. At least she doesn’t have cancer.*

6. The Crush

Now you don’t want to seem desperate and you want them to think you’re funny and a bit hard to get. So the best way to get their attention is to play a little prank on them for the holidays. Nothing too extreme but you can’t be too cutesy with it either or you’ll seem desperate which, as previously stated, is not what you want. Maybe stuff some confetti in their hat or some of yesterday’s potato salad in their boots. And for the real romantics, find a few fetal pigs or frogs from a local high school’s biology lab and cut out their hearts. These would make great decorations for the totally chill and non-desperate holiday card you make for them. Using construction paper and crayon is your best bet for the handmade card because it shows you’re creative but you don’t care enough about them to get some real materials.

7. The Teenager

Literally anything from Hot Topic will do.

8. The One who has Everything

We all know someone who’s impossible to shop for. Either they have it already or they don’t want it. Most people will just try to find or make something they don’t already have but I’m going to let you in on my little secret. It’s a little known fact that it’s much easier to get them something they don’t want but make them not only want but need it. All it takes is a little classical conditioning. Like Pavlov and his dog, you will train your friend to respond to something they normally wouldn’t want, say a Hannah Montana CD, with joy and elation. For instance, you could walk them by an HMV every few days with the CD on display and everytime they look over, just super-ninja-like inject with a bit of heroine. Not enough that they’d notice, just enough to get them hooked. Before long, you’ll have created in them a great subconscious need for that Hannah Montana CD. And when you give them their fix in the form of a shabbily wrapped gift, they’ll be as thankful to you as a crack addict is to their dealer when they get 50% off.

And that is all you need to know to do your gift shopping. Oh and here’s an extra little hint: those “For him” and “For her” pages on sites like Amazon are completely 100% accurate. It’s a completely true fact that men invest all of their time in alcohol and politics while women prefer baking and soft things.Happy shopping everyone and remember: the holidays are a time of yelling at family, getting fat, and arguing about which religion came up with celebrating the winter solstice first.

* This gift may not be the best idea if the dumb bitch does have cancer.

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