GALE’s War on Humanity

Mmmmm look at dat artificial lighting y’all.

So I was watching a Vlogbrothers video today, as I do when I should be mathing, in which the question of Peeta or Gale was asked. Listening to this, I wrongly thought they were talking about the boobtastical PETA organization that also has something to do with vegetarianism or something but mostly boobs and its opponent, GALE which I assumed to be  some overly preachy organization against PETA and for meatism. Gentlemen Against Lettuce and Etc. or something (don’t ask me why an acronym includes an abbreviation, I didn’t come up with this grammar), an organization determined to abolish vegetarianism and sway the the food eaters of the world to their ways. And my friends, it saddens me to tell you that, should GALE succeed in their endeavor, it could only mean the end of times for humanity as we know it. [Sidenote: what’s with the phrase end of times anyways? I mean it is used to signifiy the destruction of the world but rest assured, time (singular or plural) would continue regardless of Earth’s present state of existence].

Think about it, without the need to plant crops for human consumption all we would rely on for oxygen would be the 180 million acres of cropland used to grow livestock feed. That doesn’t sound like much but don’t fret, if things keep progressing the way they have been for the past few years, the 180 million is going to double in no time at all. So we don’t have to worry about oxygen shortage or the extinction of vegetables just yet. No, what I’m more concerned about are the greenhouse gases. With the banishment of vegetables, everyone will just eat burgers all the time. And where do you get burgers? That’s right: McDonald’s. And what happens when you go eat at McDonald’s? You get fat’d. And once the GALE movement has swept the nation, everyone will have to go around in scooters because they’ll have become all fat’d up from McDonald’s and can no longer support their own weight. I mean let alone the 31% of greenhouse emissions from the production and transportation of livestock, the CO2 produced by the McScooters (because if McDonald’s is going to throw the world into extreme obesity, you bet your ass they’re going to profit) will be the death of us all.

The scariest part of this whole GALE ordeal is the possibility that they will evolve into a super extremist group. These super extremists are in the news all the time nowadays for no other reason than being completely nuts. You have people like the Westboro Baptist Church, that one guy who pretended his kid was in a balloon, and of course, Snooki. If GALE starts out with banning humans from eating vegetables, their next move will be to abolish vegetables all together! They’ll have rioters with pitchforks and torches purging the world of all its brussel sprouted goodness. And after that, they’ll go for the fruit! And after that, the grain! Sure they’re not technically vegetables but they grow and stuff. You know, rubisco, calvin cycle and all that jazz. And then what have we I ask you? Ice cream without fruit flavors? Pasta with just cheese and meat? Fancy restaurants without your free basket of bread or your lemon wedge? Chaos, friends. That’s what we have.

So join me in resisting the tyrannical reign of GALE, the fictional organization to doom us all. Instead, support PETA. They strive for a world with hot, naked chicks everywhere. Wouldn’t you take that over sausage any day?

Vive les seins!


2 thoughts on “GALE’s War on Humanity

  1. “Gentlemen Against Lettuce”…. you just caused a spit-take…. and now there’s goo on my keyboard.

    I once tried to found a group called “Skiiers for nuclear winter” which then evolved into the less controversial “Skiers against global warming” which then evolved into a plate of nachos because that’s what happens when you invent activist groups at a pub.


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