As frequent readers of this blog will no doubt know, I have been burdened with absolute, unadulterated badassery since birth. It’s not been easy to be so awesome but, you know what, I make do.
Now I’ll admit I was pretty wild when I was a little yonion. Some poor sap once left a car window half open on my street which I, being the rebellious three year old that I was, tried to steal. Unfortunately the younger me neglected to consider keys so I had just contented myself playing with the buttons. But don’t let my adorable babyness fool you, I was tough as nails. My family learned pretty quick not to cross me or they’d be subject to cruel and unusual punishments. One of my favorite tactics for revenge was super-gluing blank pieces of paper onto the walls. I even had a samurai sword to threaten them with (though granted it was child sized and made of wood). All cowered under my ruthless regime.
And it didn’t stop when I was an infant either. Primary school was the first time I was around other kids. Through this I found loads of co-conspirators to plot and wreak havoc along with. In first grade, we would take skipping ropes and wind them through our clothes so that the ends stuck out our sleeves and we could pretend they were machine guns. With our pretend weapons of mass destruction in hand, our brigade completed several missions into the dangerous lands of the older kids area of our playground. Dramatic deaths were faked, punches were thrown, knees were scraped, and basketballs were narrowly dodged. Of course I had to tone it down a bit when I moved to Canada, Canadians being so Canadian and all. I had to be sneaky about everything. Instead of regular blackmail, I had to resort to writing threats and insults on valentines cards. One year I gave everyone chocolates in little baggies and one girl’s baggie was very mysteriously broken. I won’t admit anything but let’s just say that she received the message and those chocolates were delicious.
During my time in school, I was also the proud instigator of what is now known only (by me) as Kid Wars One, Two, and Four. Three went completely out of hand but rest assured, it had nothing at all to do with me. KW2 was pretty brutal too though. So many caterpillars lost… How was I to know they needed food? I mean they’re bugs! Surely poking holes in the lid of that water bottle was generous enough of me. Oh the cruel casualties of war.
Well besides that little mishap my childhood was awe inspiring in the totally badass sort of way. And I know what you’re all wondering: How are you so awesome? Well my friends, I have thought long and hard about this and there could only be one explanation That’s right. I am in fact Batman.