5 Ways to Clean for the Exceptionally Lazy

My whole life I’ve never once been burdened with the chore of cleaning my room. See it’s sometimes good to have clean-freak type parents. Sure you have to keep emergency coasters everywhere and wear special shoes for every room of the house (and god forbid you walk into the kitchen with your living room shoes on!) but I’ll take it any day if the reward is to never have to clean my room. It seems a bit contradictory to grow up with a parent who’s obsessed with keeping everything nice and tidy yet never actually clean but over the years I’ve developed this fool-proof strategy: if it gets messy enough my mom will clean it.

I like having my room clean too and I would clean it if it got too messy. The thing is my mom’s messiness threshold is far lower than mine so she loses control and cleans it long before I do. She’s tried on occasion to get me to clean it myself but after putting it off for a few days she’ll snap and clean it for me. It’s a great system. It’s worked for seventeen years so why should it change now?

This fall I’ll be going off to Mordor University and it seems like I’ll have to develop some new strategy to clean since my mom won’t be doing it anymore. I’ve been brainstorming about this and here are some of my ideas

Method 1: The neighbor

This is my favorite of the strategies. It’s relatively similar to the good old way of getting my mom to clean it but applied to neighbors or roommates. The closer they are the better. I’ll just make sure to leave some fish and raw meat lying around for a few days, maybe put a fan beside it to really get the smell spreading, and before long everyone on the floor will be fighting for the chance to clean up the stench.

Method 2: The guilt trip

Bribery or blackmail work just as well as guilt tripping but it all accomplishes the same thing. Just find someone who owes you something or who you can extort it out of the clean for you. No problemo. Of course this strategy does involve the work of going out a finding someone. The guilt tripping/blackmailing/bribing is easy enough but to actually walk around and find someone? That’s way too much work, especially when all you have to do for the first method is to not throw out your trash.

Method 3: Hire a maid

This is the trickiest one of the 5 methods. See first you have to put up an ad or look through craigslist for a maid and then you have to figure out a legitimate form of payment. Then there’s all the paperwork and having to remember to actually pay the maid. Not to mention the whole “employer etiquette  thing. I’m not suggesting anything but you wouldn’t have to worry about any sexual harassment at the workplace law suits with method 2.

Method 4: Bring my mom

This is really a last resort if you can’t hire a maid and/or are a Hufflepuff and can’t find it in your gooey little metaphorical heart to blackmail anyone. Really this is doing a service on my part more than my mom’s. She’s cleaned for me all my life! How do you expect her to cope when I move out and she loses the opportunity to wait on me hand and foot. It would be simply torturous. So if I’m feeling particularly kindhearted I’ll let her come to university with me and clean for me there as well. I mean she needs some time to adjust to the idea of living independently after all this time. The only problem would be keeping her away when the room’s clean but I guess every silver lining has its angry naggy cloud.

Method 5: Clean it

We’re all friends here so I’ll be honest. No matter the intention this method will only work for maybe the first 2 weeks. After that, like any new years resolution to exercise or write a book, it spirals exponentially downward. Luckily when this method inevitably fails to leave my room in a giant hole of chaos, this method brings us full circle back to method 1.

Armed with these 5 flawless strategies to clean my room, I’ll be surprised if I don’t get some cleanliness award next year. And applied correctly, these can do the same for you.

Warning: infants and seniors may mistake this for a chewy toy and swallow. These methods may or may not contain peanuts and lactose. Fortunately every method comes with a tube of lactase to aid digestion.
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